Because they bend over their pages!

Seriously, though, with Larry Craig (R-Own Private Idaho) now outed and his suspected predation in the Congressional Page Program back in the news, I suspect there will be new calls to end the page program.

As you might remember, right after the Mark Foley (Formerly R-Fla.) scandal blew up, so to speak, Representative Ray LaHood (Retiring R-Ill.) proposed doing away with the program altogether. I believe this was an overreaction then and would be now. After all, even after LaHood presided over President Clinton’s impeachment for lying about having sex with a White House intern, he did not propose doing away with the White House Internship Program. Nor did Senator Craig.

I believe that a Republican scandal requires a Republican solution: Let’s look to the free market for the answer. Perhaps LaHood is right that, after a busy regimen of canceling habeas corpus and legalizing torture, the annual offering of well-fed, freshly scrubbed American teen flesh is simply too tempting for the pent-up lusts lurking in the Republican caucus. But, instead of trashing the program, why not simply outsource it to a more appropriate supplier? Why not tap the resources of Hooters girls and Chippendale guys to perform the tasks most demanded by the denizens of Capitol Hill--namely, filing papers, fetching coffee, and bringing congressmen and senators to completion between votes?

I think we can all agree that there’s no reason to junk a longstanding and honorable Washington program when the magic of the free market can provide such an obvious--and satisfying--solution.