A team of doctors has been rushed to Capitol Hill to analyze House Speaker Mike Johnson's curious absence of a spine. They were called after Johnson refused to install a plaque honoring the police officers injured during the Jan. 6, 2021, attack on the U.S. Capitol.

"It was just the latest in a series of spineless acts," explained one doctor. "It appears he has no spine, but some cartilage like a shark. Curiously, that cartilage only hardens when it hears Donald Trump's voice."